OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
What did we do last night that was yellow?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
