Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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