he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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