Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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