Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
