Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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