they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
