I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
