Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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