seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
