I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
