my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize