fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
