i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize