im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
