Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
