he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
this hospital has no fireball
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
