She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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