Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
