I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
