i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
