I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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