Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
