dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
