the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
