I want to have your abortion
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
