Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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