there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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