Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
