Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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