How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
