what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
