i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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