I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
