the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
