I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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