I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Randomize
