I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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