Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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