She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
