He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Bring me that man meat
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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