and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Woke up backwards on a recliner
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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