6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
