How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
