guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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