she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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