He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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