I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
