I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
