We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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