I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
