I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
