she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
