The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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