mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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