When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
